Today I am struggling with feelings of failure, dread, grace, regret, excitement, and hope. Well, that is at least a start to describe the myriad of emotions that have been toying with me the past few days. This is the deal. I love Jesus and wish to spend time with Him in prayer, His Word, meditation and worship; however, like Apostle Paul stated so eloquently in Romans 7:19 "For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want." I realized that by not being diligent in my devotional time and fervent in seeking Him daily I am in effect doing worse than nothing at all. Knowing what to do and not doing it is worse than just not doing something.
See, it really hit me hard that I have no excuse (except love of self) for my lack of effort in maintaining a healthy relationship with my Lord. By the way, what is healthy for one is not necessarily healthy for another. I basically put Christ in the 'unwelcome visitor' status where you give token attention and time to but really wish you could be off doing something different. Subtle rudeness is still rudeness. I laid on my pillow last night with the song "I Miss My Time With You" running through my head. I feel broken. As my body heals I realize that I need my spirit to heal and get back its strength. I don't want to have any regrets over lost time, moments, days that I could have been basking in His presence but I chose not to.

Forgive me Lord! Draw me close to You and Hide me under the shadow of Your Wing!